July 5th-6th, 2021 – Listening to Official 髭男dism’s Hello.
I sleep more during the summer. As I have less things to do and no specific schedule to follow, my body becomes a lot more lethargic. On the usual basis I already spend so much time under the blanket, watching TV shows and reading webtoon, but during the summer the frequency is beyond unhealthy. Even when I have enough night sleep, I still somehow end up taking three or four hours daytime nap. And if I don’t sleep, I crave food. Chocolate, salty snacks, even full course meal if it’s possible. These are the habits I really want to change.
Back in high school and early college years, I used summer holiday to catch up on books or shows. This semester, I think I spent more time watching shows than studying. So when summer holiday comes around now I don’t have anything interesting I want to do. I still have at least four unread books on my shelf and dozen of shows I haven’t finished, but I am not so enthusiastic to finish them.
I guess I need to come up with something to do for this summer, aside from blogging.
Or maybe not.
I actually learn Arabic and Italian on daily basis, and I recently pick up an edX course about US-China Relationship. I still consistently look for new Japanese vocabularies too. Maybe the reason I can’t find anything to do is because I already do a lot. Today, even if I spent half of it on bed, I already memorized six Arabic vocabularies, Italian question words, and three Japanese vocabularies. I watched a video about the ups-and-downs of US-China relationship after the end of Cold War and did some small quizzes about it. I spent the morning playing with my youngest sister. I also read a few chapters from Natsume Souseki’s I Am A Cat before dinner and am now writing this journal entry.
While it seems that I didn’t do anything at all, I actually did. For a while, I’ve been wondering why I’m feeling so tired already. Now I know that’s because I did do several things. If we look at them individually, these things I’ve been doing might not seem to require much energy. But then I remember that during normal workdays, when I have classes and assignments, I don’t get to do these kinds of little habits. So in some ways, I already find things I’d like to do during the summer.
Have you ever experienced something similar to this? The feeling like you’ve done nothing at all, but you actually have? Sometimes it’s because what you have done doesn’t feel worthy to you. It might feel unimportant, too trivial, too easy, and doesn’t worth much. Maybe you feel that way on those days when you finish eating dinner and realize that all you do during the day is doing small house chores like vacuuming and washing dishes. Maybe you feel that way when you have big paper deadline looming over you but all you have finished was reading a small chapter from one of your references. Maybe you even feel that way when you come home from work and find that the house is messy, dinner hasn’t been prepared yet, and you still have some reports due by midnight.
You feel tired and exhausted. You don’t feel like you can’t do anything anymore. You feel useless.
But actually, you’ve done your very best. You’ve done enough. You’ve done everything you could do. So what if you did today was only sweeping the floor and opening the window of your bedroom? So what if there are ten steps toward completing your paper and you only finished one of them? So what if you spent all day working in the office and had to neglect your house’s condition for the time being?
You’ve done enough. Sometimes you only have the energy to wake up one morning and nothing else. Sometimes you can only work and discard everything else because your body can’t stand the combined pressure. Nobody asks you to be perfect. Nobody is allowed to ask you that. Perfection is impossible. Humans might be able to do anything, but they can’t do everything. That’s just beyond human.
So before deciding on what you are going to do for this summer, I think it’s important to evaluate what you’ve already been doing now. Chances are you’ve already had a lot on your plate. If so, isn’t it better to slow down a little? Drink that tea and sit back on your couch. You’ve done enough, that’s why I’m going to let relax and enjoy the moment. See you again tomorrow.
Credit: Journal prompt by myhoneststudyblr.