Class Registration, Last Week’s Blog Post, and Ativan Withdrawal

I’m going to rant. Probably. So for the last two weeks I’ve been on edge because of several things: starting new semester, having an identity crisis over my blog’s goal, and experiencing Ativan withdrawal symptoms.

Photo by Vlada Karpovich on Pexels.com

10.09.2020 – Listening to Stray Kids’s “Hellevator”.

I’m going to rant. Probably.

So for the last two weeks I’ve been on edge because of several things: starting new semester, having an identity crisis over my blog’s goal, and experiencing Ativan withdrawal symptoms.

First thing first. College actually starts next week on 14th. I am extra nervous because it is going to be the first full semester we’re having online classes. I don’t feel comfortable using video conference app etc because there are so many things that could go wrong: my internet connection, my slow laptop, the bad video/audio’s quality, and the possibility that I will lose the neat structure of an offline class (many of my professors/lecturers are not exactly technology-friendly too). They’re mostly things I cannot control though, so I’ve been telling myself that there’s no use in worrying about it.

Today though, another problem comes up. In our college, particularly for this specific semester, we have three different periods of class registration. The first week of September is when we can add and drop class. The previous three days is when we can only drop class. And the next two days is when we can only add class.

Photo by Thirdman on Pexels.com

In the first week of September, I had chosen a sign language class. It is a very popular class and by the end of the week, I already found out that I was outside the quota. So yesterday, I dropped the class. This morning though, I added a new class (The History of Indonesian Maritime), checked that I was in quota, saved the registration, but then… suddenly I was outside the quota. Probably someone chose the class at the same time I did, but (s)he won it over.

That is so frustrating. I wish blaming my internet connection can be of use, but it’s not.

I just messaged my academic advisor, knowing that there is nothing I could do right now. She said to wait it out. Either the class increases its quota or I will be forced to drop it (and therefore not able to take any elective course this semester).

Well, as I am writing this, suddenly the problem doesn’t seem that big anymore. After all, there is nothing I could do.

Photo by Andrea Piacquadio on Pexels.com

Second thing next. About blog post.

If you haven’t noticed yet, I usually upload at least one post every week. Last week though, I didn’t post anything. I actually already scheduled to post a review of a book I read in August, but then decided against it. There are two reasons: I didn’t like how the review turned out and I feel like reviewing books or movies doesn’t align with what I want this blog is about. I’m still figuring out what kind of blog I want to write. These last few weeks I’ve been focusing on writing fictional story or poetry, but the process is kind of long. I don’t want to rush a story every week just to fill in the schedule (even though I know it will also have some benefits, mainly improving my writing habit). But I also don’t want to let my blog be inactive for longer than two weeks. I have noticed that I feel less and less motivated to write (and in life) when I don’t manage my blog regularly.

Actually this week is supposed to be another book review. I wrote the review in March and scheduled it for September (I don’t know why, but that’s how my schedule says). At first, I was thinking that I am going to write a journal entry talking about the book casually, but then I just want to rant. The last two weeks have been crazy.

For now I plan to upload all drafts I still have for this blog while figuring out what to do about the content. I am thinking about moving my review contents to Instagram (I usually talk about songs there) and making this blog as a pure portfolio blog (which means mainly stories and poems) or mixed personal blog (which includes more journal entries). I am still confused.

Photo by Pixabay on Pexels.com

So, the last thing. Ativan withdrawal.

I’ve been taking Ativan for almost half a year now. My doctor has begun to wane it off since three months ago, gradually decreasing the dose, but on 24th last month he said I could begin to stop taking the medicine. He said if I don’t need to, I should not take it anymore. The problem is even if we had begun to wane it off for months, when I stop taking the medicine, it still affects me. For the first two weeks after my last appointment, I have been having difficulty in falling asleep at reasonable time. You could find me still awake at 3 or 4 in the morning and only took two or three hours sleep afterward. Even when then I decided to take the medicine. For someone who’s diagnosed with bipolar disorder, this lack of sleep can be fatal. My mood was terrible. I had nightmares, headache, nauseous feeling, and tremors. Plus a lot of anxiety. Thank God for the antidepressants and mood stabilizers. If not, I probably couldn’t survive through those days.

For this week, I find that I can finally be able to sleep earlier (at 9 or 10 pm) but wake up just as early (2 or 3 am). It’s still an improvement from the previous weeks, so I take it as a good sign that I’m getting the hang of the withdrawal symptoms.

In two weeks I’ll be meeting my doctor again. I think I can manage without Ativan in the future (or at least he can give me less tablets for next month). We’ll see.

Update (01/07/2021): I did survive the Ativan withdrawal and feel so much better now. Just want to give some notice in case there are people wondering (and maybe worrying) about it. I have no trouble sleeping now. I am still on antidepressant and mood stabilizer, but no longer need Ativan to stay asleep.

49 Days Journal Challenge – Day 34

You know when time goes faster and you realize that you haven’t done anything productive at all? I feel like that today. Not because I particularly did nothing productive, but because I didn’t set any specific intention or goal today.

Sragen. 27.06.2020.

17:37. Listening to Anna Tsuchiya’s 「黒い涙」。

You know when time goes faster and you realize that you haven’t done anything productive at all? I feel like that today. Not because I particularly did nothing productive, but because I didn’t set any specific intention or goal today. I just told myself to spend the day by reading 1Q84 by Haruki Murakami, which I did, but I hadn’t told myself specifically how many minutes or pages or chapters I want to read. So in the end of the day I find myself having done four chapters of reading but don’t quite feel fulfilled, because I didn’t set any clear goal on it.

Days like these make me realize how important goal is in life. However small or big. I know there are some people who prefer to live while going with the flow. And while I do agree that flexibility is also important in life, I always know that I’m not the type of person who likes being directionless. It is not saying that I have to constantly hustle, but that I want my days to have meaning. If today is a resting day, I want it to be defined. Resting can mean no work, no assignments, no stressing out over things I’d have to do tomorrow. Resting can also mean saying yes to an art project I’ve been postponing because of school or saying yes to that dinner invitation I’ve always rejected because I was in the middle of exam.

Some of you might think that “reading 1Q84” is a pretty specific goal, but for me, not quite. In my opinion, it’s pretty broad. I have to be specific like “reading until chapter 10” or “reading for thirty minutes” or even “reading until I am bored of it”–which is subjective, but it is better than only “reading”.

Creating a goal as specific and reachable as possible makes my day a lot easier. It’s something I have learned by experiences and something I’d like to apply in my life whenever it’s possible.