July 4th, 2021 – Listening to BTS’s Mikrokosmos.
I have nothing, to be honest. I am done with this semester. I have no organization’s obligations. No remedial. No mid-year report. Nothing. I am completely free to do whatever I want to do this summer.
If I have to admit, it’s actually a strange feeling. Since attending college, there are usually one or two deadlines I have to finish during the summer, whether it’s for academic or organization. But I retired from my organization last year and now that the academic year is over, my hands feel empty. Of course I have all those personal projects, but it’s not urgent and it’s certainly not something I have to finish during the semester. They’re long-term project after all.
My parents seem to be the type of people who face life day by day. I’ve never heard any of them making specific long term plans. Of course, they save money for my younger sisters’ future school tuition. I am sure they want to go somewhere by themselves once they’re old and retired. But I’ve never heard them mentioning specific date or month. But overall, they make it one day at a time. Or a week, at most.
Or maybe they do, but I just never get the chance to know about it. After all, they’re parents and they generally keep their worries to themselves. I might overhear snippets of their concerns in the middle of the night, but it’s never the whole story.
I, on the other hand, need something specific. Or else I am going to float without any direction in this world, lost in endless desire and imagination. If I have nothing important to do tomorrow, I make something up. Sometimes I wonder if it’s a healthy way of staying alive, but this is currently the only way I know to survive in life.
So, I might not have any important task to do, but I definitely have a lot of tasks to finish — they’re just simply unimportant and easily replaceable. Writing this entry might not be important, but I am determined to do it because I want to and because there is nothing else I’d like to do.
I think many of you “busy people” understand exactly how I am feeling. You know you can get away with doing nothing, but you can’t just do it. It feels wrong. It makes you feel useless. It creates guiltiness. Sometimes you even think that you don’t deserve break time because you feel like you haven’t done enough.
But it’s not true. You have done enough. You have done enough, so take a break and walk away from the computer. From people. From the world. Come back to yourself. Be on your own. Close your eyes. Breathe.
I think that’s the most important thing I need to do, the one task that I keep forgetting about.
That I’ve done enough. Realizing it. Acknowledging it.
Let’s just take a break, and I’ll see you again tomorrow. For now, it’s enough.
Credit: Journal prompt by myhoneststudyblr’s Summer Studying Challenge.